The City that Never WEEPS

(when you leave.)

If I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere. It's up to you: New York, New York!

Truer words have never been said about the The Big Apple: it's up to you. 

10 years ago, it was up to me. I was a fresh faced Angeleno with hopes of trading in my Cali card for one of more solid sophistication from the Empire State. I came to The City with wide eyes, hopes, dreams, and visions of grandeur in a city that I had fallen in love with during a high school trip in the 90s.

Sometimes, however, things do not always turn out the way you planned. My friend that I was to be staying with while I looked for apartments for my first two transition weeks in NYC randomly was struck down with chicken pox. He had never had the virus when he was a child and nearly died from it, so he was flown out to California for a month to fully recover. This left me without a place to stay when I arrived. His illness and flight from New York was sudden and unexpected. It meant I was homeless and had to figure out some place cheap to sleep at night since I had planned on staying with my friend for free as he had offered. 

When reflecting back on the nearly full year that I lived in Manhattan, I have a hard time remembering happy moments. My therapist said the best statement that I have ever heard about New York: that one had to be a warrior to live here. It's so true. There are a lot of downsides to such a great city. Times Square. Overpopulation. Trash everywhere and piled high in bags on the sidewalk. Smells: strange, funky, nasty, dirty smells. Buildings that make you really feel like an ant. People that make you feel small. No stars. No sky. Apartments that give you claustrophobia. Terrible weather. Worse jobs. Being poor. Wanting more. 

I experienced all these and more living in New York. I had poor living situations, bad roommates, and bad ex boyfriends. My jobs had me working all the time yet unable to afford to do anything. There really is no other place on the world that can make you feel as poverty stricken than NYC. 

I did not have a positive life living in New York. It was a very easy city to feel completely alone in, despite being surrounded by millions of people. I remember looking longingly out my bedroom window sometimes. I could see the building across the way and would often see an Indian woman staring out longingly back. Seeing her made me feel so lonely and empty inside, despite the fact that she was only a building away. I love making new friends and meeting new people, but I hardly made any real friends when I was there.

It'd been 10 years since I stepped foot in NYC but I couldn't wait to return to the city I called home for nearly a year. Sure New York chewed me up, spat me out, and sent me merrily on my way to Sydney, but I'll never forget certain aspects of living in the biggest city in America. Nor the lessons that NYC taught me.

I will forever want to live in a city where cars are not a necessity. I still want to go out at midnight and return at 4 in the morning after dancing. I always crave new gatherings, new people, and new experiences. And I'm a hellova lot tougher. Because I got out of New York when I needed to instead of letting all the negativity suck me in or before I was completely changed.

Returning to New York two weekends ago was very therapeutic for me. Just like it's former inhabitant, New York has also changed a lot. Some things for the better, and other things for the worse. But it's still The City. The energy is still there. The people--tho moved around quite a lot--are still there, and the fight and the drive to be something bigger than oneself is still there and so ripe, you can pick it out of the air. The fact that I got to experience New York this trip with my mom and friends was just icing on the cake.

In retrospect, I'll always be grateful for deciding to live in Manhattan for a year. As the old saying goes: 

"Move to California for a while but leave before it makes you soft. Live in New York for a while but leave before it makes you hard." 

Seems I left New York at the perfect time. And I'll bring all the lessons of being a tried and true New Yawker with me forever. 

A change will do you good

Like my fellow Missourian Sheryl Crow says: "A change will do you good."

Well folks, that's what I've been doing. I've always said when life hands you lemons, make a lemon drop martini and move on.

Recently I've been changing up my life and thus far I'm seeing positive results.

First I started with my bedroom and my apartment. I moved everything around in my flat and am feeling way better feng shui.

Then I did drag-random, I know- but aren't I kind of pretty in a gross Carrie Bradshaw type of way?!

Then I joined a kickball team

God I look butch, don't i?

Theeeen, I registered for AIDS Lifecycle as a roadie for 2015!

Then still I went ape shit at Homo Depot and made myself a little green thumbage.

And made myself the beginnings of a garden.

Finally, I changed the title of my book AND have decided that unles Penguin or Little Brown Books falls out of the sky and into my lap with a publishing deal, then I will be SELF PUBLISHING my first book.

Stay tuned for more deets, peops!

Life or everything like it

Life is so kharmactically ironic and things definitely happen for a reason.

Last Sunday I went to the beach with friends. I met this guy with my friends who happens to by a veterinarian. We hit it off as friends and I even chatted him up about living with an aging ferret. 

Flash forward to me sleeping in on Tuesday and missing an email from my boss about working a last minute event on Wednesday. I really am still trying to hustle and make dat money to take my mum to Paris in the fall, so I was angry with myself that I missed working Wednesday.

Flash forward again to Wednesday afternoon. I was hungover in bed (yet another bad decision) and laying with Xavier when all of a sudden he started clawing furiously at the roof of his mouth until his claws had gashed a few cuts in his gums and he began bleeding. Then he started salivating profusely to the point where it was obvious he was having some kind of seizure or fit.

Remember the vet I met on Sunday, I phoned his animal hospital-which happens to be on my block- and in hysterics I asked if the vet I had met was working and could fit me in. He was able to see me and upon examination, it was ruled that Xavier has Insulinoma- a ferret-like diabetes that unbalances his sugar production. On top of his cancer, this new diagnosis was such a blow to me.

I sat crying in the waiting room wondering if this would be the last time I would ever see my baby again. His blood sugar levels, after all, had plummeted to 35 when they should be around 100 or more. Thank you god him dying was not going to be the case. The doctor was able to put him on steroids and began treating Xavier for his Insulinoma.

Now, days later, I took Xavier out to the pool at my house to play for the first time in his life because he has returned to such better health and his energy is better than what is has been for months. Ferrets are illegal in California, so I never let Xavier be seen by anyone, let alone take him outside. But I have a new mind set now that he has gotten better: I will no longer live in fear of him being discovered and seized ( then euthanized) by the authorities. I will be out and proud about owning him and can no longer hide his existence.

You see, while Xavier is doing better, the diagnosis- along with the cancer- means little X has maybe 2 years left of his life. I don't know what I will do when the day that he does comes, so in the meanwhile, I plan on showing him the best life I can possibly give him. I've always wanted to take him to a park and let him run through the grass like his forefathers did. I've always wanted to take him to the beach. Always wanted to take him just out to my pool.

Because life is meant to be lived, people. One cannot live in the fear of the inevitable, one can only live with the idea that everything happens for a reason. Had I not wanted to go to the beach last Sunday, would my ferret be alive today? Had I gotten that event and worked it, how much worse would Xavier have gotten without me noticing? Had my mother and I not adopted him from that lady in Glendale off craigslist in 2009, would his soul have ever touched my heart and made me the responsible, loving parent I am today?

This is my life and I'm often reminded of how precious it all is. Thank god for my mom, my family, my friends, and my Xavier. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for ya'll.