9 1/2 months ago I wanted to stop being so depressed: I was dealing with extreme personal secrets and troubles. It felt like the entire world was against me. I was in so much pain, emotionally, that I found it unbearable at times to handle. I would burst into tears all the time and confided with no one my deepest, darkest demons. I was able to keep up the charade of happiness for a while, but everytime I would look in the mirror, I didn't see my reflection looking back at me. I saw someone who was beaten down, lost, confused, and weakened.
Eventually I couldn't deal with seeing that person looking back at me any longer. I knew I needed help, but I was too confused and too damaged to reach out to those closest to me. I'm typically a very happy person who is content with my life and the journey that I am on. I realized that these depression bouts were not a normal facet of my life, nor was I willing to let them become as such.
Luckily for me, I live in one of the best cities in America, if not the world. Though I make fun of it and have nicknamed it STEPFORD due to it's residents being so prototypical, I am very fortunate to call the city of West Hollywood, California my home. Besides being its own seperate town surrounded on pretty much all sides by giant Los Angeles, we have our own laws, our own rights, and our own programs. One of the most liberal places in America, West Hollywood has a shit ton of services readily available for everyone.
As for me, I qualified for a free counseling program that the city of WEHO offers to its inhabitants. I was able to meet with one of the program heads pretty immediately and she soon there after placed me with my therapist. Up until yesterday when we met for our last session, I saw my "doc" once a week for every week for more than the length of my best friend's recent pregnancy.
Soon after I started seeing him, the healing began. Not because of anything my doctor was doing or saying necessarily--other than encouraging me at every session to take the lead and talk about and focus on what I wanted to discuss. But the change began with me. I knew that I was abnormally hurting inside and I knew that I wanted and needed help. Going to see him every week and setting goals for myself helped with the process, but the real definitive moment was when I admitted something was wrong and wanted to make a change. And was ready for it.
This whole process of therapy for me has been about realizing the internal changes I wanted to make for myself to be happier. I got to the point where I had settled for so many things in my life that I was unable to see any of my dreams becoming a reality. Nowadays, I watch as my dreams grow and instead of sitting by hoping they come true, I'm hands on working my ass off day by day making them a reality.
Receiving counseling was one of the best choices I have ever made. We all have problems. We all have pasts. But we also have futures. To really wade through the fog and see my future, I needed to talk with someone and heal from previous situations. A third party perspective of myself and my relationships with people from an outsider point of view was so important to me in this period of my journey on this earth that it literally saved my life. I'm so eternally grateful that I was able to get treatment when I needed it most.
I have used the last 9 1/2 months to make serious decisions in my life and reflect on my past while still looking ahead. My therapy allowed me to progress at my own pace while applying what I was learning. Though I knew that my time with my therapist would end, I really am sad to conclude our sessions with each other and move on. This seperation will be one of the most healthy closures of my life. Sometimes relationships--in whatever form--come to a close. Sometimes life changes. Things change. People change. Change is good.
I highly recommend it.
#neversettle
