God bless the US of A! Only in a country like America would I be able to feel completely physically free, content, and happy playing a silly sport we li'luns used to play in grade school, then immediately be called out, embarrassed, and slammed for my physical appearance and attire. This weekend, the word of my penis and its proportions spread like a ripple on a proverbial pond.
I typically love to wear as few clothes as possible, and when I'm playing kickball, that is not an exception. It was particularly hot and muggy in LA this past Saturday, so I planned on wearing my skimpy booty shorts from the moment I woke up. I may have walked out of the house in what puritanical America deemed as scandalous, but I was feelin good about myself and wanted to be free while playing my game. Isn't that what America is all about? Freedom of self expression?!? And aren't our bodies the temples of our selves and image?
Apparently our lovely, over sized- Hawaiian shorts clad umpire didn't think so. That ump took one look at my junk and deemed my short shorts a no go. I was almost KICKED OUT OF MY GAME DUE TO MY PENIS!!!
Let me rewind and explain:
Some people are born tall. Some are born short. Some are born white. Some gay. Some with blue eyes. Some with big boobs. Some with deep set vaginas. And some, like me, were born with a big penis. We/I cannot help it. I don't mean like elephantitus big. Or horse big. But just nice and big-- especially compared with average men. It's like goldicock: not too thick, not too crazy long, but just right. I don't think I am the first person born with a beautifuly big, banger. Nor will I be the last.
So I guess I shouldn'ta been so surprised--when I shoved my meat into some pink little briefs and then into those shorts on Saturday--that I got so much attention. For me, my clothes are art and I'm just the walking billboard. At my game, I felt like being as loose and free as I was feeling emotionally at the time.
As I said before- that ump was not having it. Like Gladys Leeman from Drop Dead Gorgeous, "There are KIDS in the audience." Sure at one point on the outfield my pink undied package slipped out under the leg of the shorts, but that was in the heat of a play. The umpire was so perturbed at my Janet Jacksoning at the game that he took a time-out to tell our coach that I was outta there if my otter came out again! As if my bare badger itself had flopped out for the free world to see! I may have been dressed skimpily, but let my dang dang hang out? I would not. I've a reputation in this town!
Was it the pink briefs mistaken for flesh tone? Was it jealousy due to him mentally comparing our two packages? Who knows! What I do know is I bitched to my friend and my teammates about my "indecent" exposure, but kept my mouth shut for the game. The Koelen in his 20s would have told that referee where he could stick a kickball or mooned him in my pink panties. But I wanted to stay in the game. Sometimes, yah gotta take one for the team.
What I found interesting in this whole experience is total freaking out over a part of my body. I play in an all gay league, so one would think I would be welcomed with open arms for properly displaying my manhood. But I wasn't. People pointed, snickered, touched it, talked about it, and I was almost thrown out of the game- all for being well equipped!
There is such a double standard when it comes to sexuality and the open display of our bodies. It's really quite silly, actually. Women- on one hand- have achieved a level where they are more able to openly bare their bodies without complete and total slut bashing by society. Though, that stigma still exists, women are more than ever able to wear next to nothing and get away with it, despite whatever cheek or mound is showing.
Men, on the other hand, are almost immediately slut slammed if they attempt to wear anything at all in equivalent to that of the skimpy swimwear and lingerie that women can get away with wearing. Why is it, for instance, that women can wear tiny, tiny little cocktail dresses or even a skirt with a tiny tube top out to clubs in Hollywood or in Whatever City, America but men wearing shorts is completely forbidden? In fact, men wearing shorts in general are seen as only a "spring/summer" look and are deemed as casual attire at best? This is such a double standard! Sometimes I feel like men's fashion has reverted itself back to the age of Downton Abbey era women: men can hardly show their ankles, let alone their lower legs, without someone turning their nose up at their "informality". Women can wear tiny little spaghetti strapped bandanas across their noonies but men can't wear a tank top without someone assuming he is gay, a 'roider, a gang banger, or wife beater!
Why is their such a fear of the male physique? Even in movies male nudity is 10/1 less prevalent than with female nudity. Would a woman have been thrown out of my kickball game for even a bare nip slip? Doubtful. Why are we so scared of naked male bodies? Is the US afraid that its citizens will develop such an appreciation for the male form that everyone will start being gay? Or maybe by taking the focus off of the exploitation of female bodies onto males that masculinity and male dominance will diminish?
And why are we trying so hard to protect our children from nudity in the first place? Did anyone ever think that maybe part of what is wrong with America is that we are so repressed and withdrawn about our sexuality that we unleash it in feverish displays in intermittent parts due to feeling so oppressed in regards to our bodies? Maybe we should go back to the days of the codpiece and really put our bad boys on display!
All I know is I will continue to hold my head high about my size. I love the body that god gave me and am so lucky to have features that I enjoy. As for kickball, I stayed in the entire game and later got permission from the head of the league to be able to wear my shorts again. So the internal debate is going on in my head as to whether or not I want to "expose" myself like that again. I love my penis, but do I want to subject myself to the scrutiny?
I love to be free. And my penis likes it, too!
