With all light, there is dark. With every angel there's a demon. With every city, comes an alternative underbelly of an underworld. And the city of Angels is no exception. There is an air of deception so prevalent in the every day lives of southern Californians, you could cut it with a knife. A deceit so powerful, it can mend or end relationships.
I'm talking about
THE LA LIE
No, this is not regarding the amount of work one has had done on their faces nor the amount of trolls one owns up to having shagged in their lifetime. Nope. This bit of fibbery has nothing to do with physical appearances but more to do with physically appearing any place in an allotted amount of time. Indeed, the LA Lie is all about time and our complete and total inability to utilize it correctly in Los Angeles.
What exactly the hell am I talking about? I'm meaning the little white lies and often big black boldface tales of trickery told to cover our asses in moments of tardiness. Punctuality is no longer a virtue. It's a mirage hidden in an oasis that Angelenos never seem to find--lost in a desert sea of our own selfishness.
How did we become such compulsive liars when it comes to making plans? I'm of the mind that this merciless mindset stems from another Angeleno trait: LA Impatience. Try being honest with a friend about being late and it always, ALWAYS backfires in our face.
"Babers- I'm gonna be 15 minutes late."
-"WHAT? 15 minutes? What am I supposed to do for that long? WAIT?!? Ugh. Let's just reschedule."-
Or:
-"Where are you? We are already so late and I don't want to be later."-
"Love, I told you I just go off work. I won't even be home for 20. Then I need to change."
-"Oh, God! KST! By the time you get ready, it'll already be 9:30 and that will only leave us 5.5 straight hours of non-stop binge drinking. Whatever. We're leaving without you."-
Despite the fact that, although you two had probably been planning whatever venture you were going on for weeks, Angelenos hate waiting. For fucking anything. And they cancel on you. At a moments notice. All for the fact that they hate waiting.
So we lie. We twist the truth. We spin Charlotte's Webs of delicious deceit in order to cover our own asses so that we do not get cancelled on and as a way of sustaining the friendships and relationships around us. Because--after all--what's a lil lie gon' hurt?
How does one spot the LA Lie in all its luster? Well, here is a short list of lavish lies dished out by Angelenos to help you recognize the ridiculousness. This will enable to respond with a perfect: "Gurrrl, you lyin'!" In the future.
*"SEE YOU IN A FEW HOURS"
-This means you are lucky if you will see your friend at all. You might as well of asked a Brazilian to commit to an exact specific date for something.
*"I'LL BE THERE IN 30!"
-This means you're either still in the shower or haven't even jumped in yet. You've no intention of arriving in under 45.
*"JUST GOT OUTTA THE SHOWER"
-This usually mean what it says it means, though without the slightest hint of a swift departure or a punctual arrival.
*"I'M ON MY WAY!"
-Bitch- you still can't even find your wallet or your shoes!
*"SEE YOU SOON!"
-Honey you're lucky if you see me at all.
*"LOOKING FOR PARKING!"
-Traffic is a bloody nightmare and I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel for any excuse as to why I'm that much later.
*"BE THERE IN 10."
-There isn't a snowball's chance in hell that I'll see you in less than 20, but here's to dreaming!
*"PARKED!"
-I'm just barely here (if not still 3 minutes away) and I haven't found parking yet.
*"WALKING UP!"
-just parked.
*"I GOT LOST!"
-GPS and all other 2015 ways of navigating the streets suddenly stopped working--probably because my smartphone couldn't handle playing Pandora, talking on speakerphone streaming through Bluetooth, and the influx of a reloading map every 10 seconds--so I'm still 5 minutes away. Do I have time for a Starbucks quickie, too?!
*"IT WAS TODAY? SHIT! I REALLY WANTED TO GO."
-You would rather chew tree bark than go to that shit show in the first place. I mean, sure, you started to get ready, but once you realized it was funner having a underwear dance party in your living room, you knew there was no way you woulda made it anyways.
This is the LA Lie in all its glory.
You've been warned, Los Angeles. As long as cars, traffic, technology, vanity, perpetual business, and selfishness endure, the LA Lie will thrive. Either accept the fact that we are all a bunch of filthy liars or get over waiting in the first place. That's the only advice I've got.
Sorry for the bluntness--I'm just an Angeleno being honest.
