This person and I started off great, but his job got so in the way of his life that he quit communicating with me.
My stance, the whole time, was "you make time for the people you love." Granted, we've only known each other for a little over a month, so I wouldn't say that we were 'in love' or anything, but the point remains.
In this digital age where so many options are available at our fingertips, is it really so hard to pick up the phone? To fire back a text in less than a days time response to the person who text you?
Because he wasn't communicating, and was only absent, I didn't know what to think. I just assumed that he wasn't man enough to tell me he was seeing someone else or man enough to tell me that he just wasn't that into me.
But the waiting and silence on his part took a tole on me. I started questioning how I could be so dumb as to let another asshole into my life who doesn't value me for me. What was wrong with me that made him lose interest so quickly? I shouldn't think this way, but guys hit a soft spot inside my heart and I have a problem not psycho analyzing everything that I did "wrong". I don't suffer from depression, but I do have the ability to take myself into a dark place in my head where I just blame myself for everything and question everything I do.
Maybe it's because I have been hurt in the past. Maybe it is because I grew up without a father throughout most of my youth....maybe it's just that I'm too hard on myself.
Anyway, today I was strong and went to confront him. He had some stuff of mine that I needed back, and all of a sudden starts immediately responding back to every text and with
diligence.
When I arrived, he asked me what was wrong. Probably because my energy could power a northern European city for a week.
I laid into him saying I'm sorry that we didn't work out. That I needed someone who communicates more. I told him how some of his texts made me feel like shit, feel worthless, and feel that I was second guessing myself.
I could see in his eyes that he was sorry. He said that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. I could see he meant that too. In fact, I could see in his eyes that he still likes me.
When he walked me to my car, I told him that I was sorry we didn't work out. Told him I need someone who communicates more. He answered back that we could still work things out. That he would communicate more. That he just needed time...
Time is what got us here in the first place.
He said he was sorry for hurting me and stated that it had been a long time since he had dated anybody. I too said I hadnt dated anyone in a long time. I told him I hoped that I didn't come off as that annoying guy by texting too much, though I know I had not. He just shook his head and hugged me.
You see, I went there to end it all. I hadn't physically seen him in the flesh in more than 2 weeks and his vacant texting and not returning a few calls had led me to believe it was over.
Last night, my friend Louie and I were talking about what happens to those friends, family members, or lovers that were once so close in your life and are now gone? Are they just living their lives? Have they moved on? Were they somewhere in the world also munching on Taco Bell at 1 in the morning?
Had I just walked outta this guy's life, I probably would have partially blamed myself and I never understood what happened between us. Do I know now? Not really.
The closure I get from all of this is the fact that I am man enough to be able to address these issues with the guys I'm into. Yes, I haven't done that much dating recently, but one thing that tells me I'm ready to embrace someone in my life is the fact that I am open and able to honestly communicate my feelings to that person.
For now. I don't know what I'm going to do. Should I wait? Should I move on and forget about him? Time will tell. And the old adage rings true: It's better to have love then lost than to have never loved at all.
