DANCING IN MY UNDERWEAR TRAILER

In 2014, every good project has its own trailer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

DANCING IN MY UNDERWEAR

le film:

That's some kinky shit

The other day, my BFF--as a total prank--sent me pictures of some men involved in shitting on themselves. While barely holding in my lunch, I asked him why he sent me some scat-master porn. He responded "the world is full of wonder", and pointed out that everyone in the photos was white. I did have to admit that I had never seen an African American individual involved in shit.

Though seeing those poopy pics made me want to puke, they also made me stop and really think about how different people can be and the crazy shit--pun intended--they get into, sexually.

Ask yourself: how did people first get into poo? Was it something they woke up to after a crazy night of bombed drinking and said, "That's hot"? Maybe it is just an unexplained desire? Genetics?

I just vomited a little at the thought of caca, but I'm going to continue.

What makes people into the kinks they are into? Some men like to dress up in women's clothes. Some couples like to ride double-headed dildos with their partners in a "ass to ass" Requiem for a Dream-formation. Some people like to be peed on. Some like to pee. Some spanking. Some leather. Some dog costume. Some mermen costumes. Dolls. Some in the butt. Some in the cooter. Some love to swallow. Some won't go down on you like a nun in a chastity belt. Some prefer head. Others prefer rimming. Some on top. Some on bottom. Some flip flop like a House of Cards episode. Sex outside. Sex inside. Sex in the locker room. Sex as someone else. Sex and the Shitty 3.

And have you ever thought about this: what if you met the person of your dreams and wanted to spend the rest of your life with them... But they were into le poopoo?!

Makes me question how many relationship splits happen secretly because of unmatched desires or out of sync fetishes. What if you had waited your whole life for someone who was also into dressing up like cheetahs? Or being tied up? Or into the same kinks you are into? I can't imagine what it would be like to have to deal with trying to find someone else into chocolate.

How would you react? As someone who can't stand getting near anyone's ass unless they've douched 'er out like a tidal wave, one whiff of anything unsanitary and I go flaccid faster than if I were forced to watch two lesbians scissoring. So the poopy is off the platter for me and would most certainly be a reason to end the relationship. Sorry german sheiße fanatics.

But what about if said potential love interest was into something else a little freaky-deaky? Would their debauchery be a deal-breaker? Would you be down with literally treating your partner like a dog? Licking armpits? Extreme pain? Sounding? Double headed dildoing? Swinging? Slinging? Threesome clinging?

In the words of Depeche Mode, people are people. People are always gonna be into some weird shit. Life is about trying to connect with someone into the same crazy shit as yourself. Should I hate on anyone for their sexual proclivities? I think not. I may not be down with the brown, but I'm also sure that not everyone is into flip fuck faggotry either. To each his own.

We'll never be ROYALS

God bless sports infatuation in America.

I guess I thought this October would be a quiet one, until a little sports team that hadn't really done well in 3 decades started winning. What some thought would be a flash in the pan ended up being one of the best seasons in recent memory for the game. Nope, not this season of Dragrace or America's Next Top Schmodel. We are talking BASEBALL, kids.



Typically this flaming homosexual heads for the proverbial pink and rainbow hills when it comes to dishin' out athletic talk, though I cannot deny my roots. You see, I am a born and raised St. Louisian. To some, this doesn't mean much. To sports fanatics, this means I originally hail from one of the American MECCAS of sports and that I must most certainly "bleed red". Doesn't everyone have crimson blood? Of course they do, but when you come from the city with the most World Series wins after the Yankees, you don't need much explaining to realize that you automatically become a St. Louis Cardinals fan at birth--bleeding Cardinal Red. That and you automatically become a Blues fan. And a Rams fan. And whatever other sports teams that I am apparently, blatantly ignorant about that call the Arch City home.



In a state like Missouri, you really only have two distinct options for a quality city. St. Louis, being the older of the two, and Kansas City--the newer, less east-coast version. Like Angelenos versus Big Applers, there is and has always been a distinct rivalry between these two cities: Which is bigger? Which has the best sports teams? Which has better history? Which is more modern? Which has the higher population count? These are all constant debates amongst Show-Me Staters, and the answers to these questions will never be agreed upon by both sides consecutively.



Maybe because each is 5 hours apart on opposite sides of the state. Maybe because each clings to its own identity while hugging the identities of the other two states at each's doorstep, respectively. Maybe the distance has caused such a divide that there really is no reconciliation. Either way, Missouri cannot survive without these two metropoli. The combined population of both of these two cities is equal to about half of the overall population of the entire state. Can either two really handle standing on their own without the support of the rest of Missouri?

I have never liked KC, MO. It has never been my cup of tea. Though I went to high school a mere hour and a half away from Kansas City, I would hands down choose the 3 hour drive from our house to St. Louis over heading west. I had family there. I had familiarity there. I have my roots there.



But, I've watched over the past few weeks as my facebook friends from back in the midwest are going gaga LORDE over the Kansas City Royals winning streak. As the team prepares to head to the World Series, I cannot help but feel an internal sense of pride. No, I am not a KC Royals fan, nor a Kansas City fan. Nor ever will be, probably. I will always hold a kindred flame for the City of Blues: St. Louis. But I am frankly overjoyed at all the positive energy coming from Missouri for their sports team.

Missouri, as stated above, is a divided state. Divided in politics, divided by land, and divided by loyalty. We have seen in recent months how racial divides have plagued St. Louis and Missouri and have brought a dark cloud of negativity on the state. (As it should. Racial issues must be brought to light and Missouri is learning the hard way now that no states can continue to live in the dark ages of racial segregation, discrimination, and separation.) So seeing the amount of passion and enthusiasm for the Royals has been, honestly, kind of an annoyance for someone who "bleeds red", but also very heartwarming to see the unification it has brought to our state.

Most Missourians can agree that seeing either of our two incredible baseball teams "take the crown" would be a positive boost to our recession plagued state--economically, emotionally, and spiritually. Though I would prefer a re-hashing of the last World Series that the Royals played in--a Battle that involved the Cardinals vs the Royals, I think I too can agree that either of these teams winning the pennant would be a bonus to the Show-Me State.

We may just be another small Midwestern state- but Missouri is known for the amazing contributions of Maya Angelou, Mark Twain, Walt Disney, Joseph Pulitzer, Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington, Scott Joplin, George Washington Carver, Harry Truman, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Edwin Hubble, Josephine Baker, Dick Van Dyke, Eminem, Brad Pitt, Sheryl Crow, John Goodman, Daniel Boone, William Clark, blues, jazz, beef, and the mightiest two rivers on earth.



Soon, we will be known for yet another achievement: obtaining a win in the 2014 World Series. Whatever that means. Maybe we will bleed blue and be ROYALS after all...

Frenergy

Je ne sais quoi.

The dictionary defines this as an intangible quality that makes something distinctive or attractive. People say Paris has a certain Je ne sais quoi about it. But is the electricity in Paris really something so indescribable? I affectionately refer to the Parisian experience and the spirituality of the city as Frenergy (French Energy).

Maybe it's just that I've always been especially attuned to the movement of the universe all around me. Or maybe I'm just deeply in love with the French Capital. But I think anyone can admit that there truly is something in the air when it comes to the city of lights. 

The food, the fashion, and the foolery--all rolled up into one extravagantly lavish and sexy city. Could the tearful exchange I had with God at Sacre Couer be attributed to just a reflection moment in a spiritual place or is my heart filled with joy and a flutter everywhere I go and with everything I do in Paris simply because I suffer from being stuck in a one-sided relationship with the chicest metropolis in the world?

Still, there is something to be said about the experiences here. This is not la Dolce Vida- this is c'est la vie! Did I hardly avoid arrest by prancing around in nothing but my panties at the Eiffel? Did I really meet strangers on the street who bought me drinks and actually wanted to be friends? Did I really accomplish everything I wanted to do and still have time to dance the entire night? Lastly, did Paris really serve itself on a platter for my heart to devour like a gorgeous street side crepe?

Everyone knows the Paris we see in films. The gas lamps reflecting their lights off the Seine like fairies spreading enchantment through the night. The accordion player on the bridge to Ile Saint Louis. The artists on the left bank.   Fashionistas of St. Germain Des Pres. The stunning architectural beauty of marble buildings and thousand-year-old, tree-lined streets. Two kisses on either cheek to compliment the kiss you left at Oscar Wilde's grave.

No matter where you look, you are surrounded by beautiful Frenergy. What I have found on this trip--just like my last bonne voyage de France--is that there really is no exact way that silly words and letters can begin to relate to the world all that Paris encompasses. It is simply something that absolutely must be experienced in person to even begin to comprehend that a place as magical as Paris even exists.

Maybe the best way--non, le easiest way to describe the enchantment and Frenergy is to just simply say that Paris is completely and perfectly j'adoreable.

#frenergy

J'adore Paris

Gotta love me some Paris!

Paris, city of plights

Just some pics from the trip thus far.

Paris=Magic

Bad Parenting

Parents- I'm gonna say this once and give you an ounce of realness: your decision to uncross your legs and get pregnant should have nothing to do with me. Own up to the fact that you reproduced and have forced us all to have to incorporate another human being to this shit show that is life. Just don't act like we all must put up with your child's crappo behavior just because it is alive, breathing, --and one of us now--upon your disposal.

A baby in the seat directly in front of us screamed and wailed almost constantly the entire 10.5 hours of the trip. It still begs the question what kind of idiot fucking parent brings their child on a 10.5 hour flight with nothing- no sleeping pills, pacifier, nothing.

And when we complained to the flight attendant, they said there was nothing to do because they cannot tell a baby "no". Despite the fact that this baby is obviously 1.5 years old or more and able to understand to be quiet when I yelled at them. (Maybe the baby actually needs to be directly and assertively told "no" or even spanked lightly so that it comprehends that what it is doing by demanding full attention of everyone by screaming at the top of its lungs is NEVER acceptable behavior.

Despite the fact that the baby flew for free, there was "nothing" they could do. Then they act like we were the ones that needed to be thrown off the plane. And refuse to anything. "What can we do? It is a baby."


Maybe tell them they have to keep their child quiet?! Maybe tell them to get a gd pacifier? Maybe not ignore the fact that every other passenger is awake as a result of infant screams?

How about asking the parents to take it to the bathroom and cry it out? Or how about telling the parents ANYTHING? They never once said anything to the parents!!!

I just shake my head at the companies like airlines or theaters that extend the privilege of free admission for children under five at the total and utter expense of everyone else's experience--all of whom paid full price for our admission. And to think when I shrieked as an example and many fellow members of our cabin woke up, they hinted at punishing me. But why? I'm the one who paid my ticket.

You as a couple are already privileged enough against me, the single person. So please, next time you decide to fly international with a monster, take a boat.

#MARRIAGE: A majority

I'm sure the word "marriage" will be on everyone's lips today as the United States Supreme Court just denied hearing ANY of the lgbt marriage equality cases knocking on their door.

The outcome of NOT deciding to decide whether or not to decide upon previous decisions made, means that any of these court rulings will stand as is. In the Queen's tongue, that means the number of states with marriage equality will immediately jump from 19 to 24 and might jump as much as 6 more beyond that.



This ruling will effect Utah, Oklahoma, Virginia, Indiana, and Wisconsin at first, and will later effect North Carolina, West Virginia, South Carolina, Wyoming, Kansas and Colorado.

By the end of the day today, or at least by the end of the week, the United States will have a majority of states with same-sex marriage for the first time in our history! By sidestepping the issue and letting US vs Windsor do all the dirty work, the Supreme Court really has just changed the course of history.



This is major news for the battle for our civil rights not just in America, but the world.