Since I'm destined to be the next Carrie Bradshaw meets David Sedaris love child, I've been inclined to share a lot recently about my life on this blog.
And who knows if anyone is actually listening?
Is anyone really out there?
If anyone actually does follow this blog, I have something to confide in you: I had my first night of therapy today. I say therapy, but really I think the term counseling sounds less threatening and certainly less stygmatizing- if that is even a word.
I'm still in the moment right after meeting with my new counselor. It's a brand new feeling because I have never sought out help or advice before. I went looking for someone to talk to because I have, for the first time in my life, been dealing with a depression. A feeling of abandonment and loss. A feeling of fear and lack of love for myself. Questioning my self worth. I have never felt so mentally low in all my 31 years on this earth and I only partially know what's wrong with me. For the most part, I've just been sad over several recent dramatic changes and upsets in my life.
So I decided I don't want to live the way I have lived the last few months. Even the last few years. I can't mask my problems with excuses anymore and can no longer do things that don't make me happy.
It is actually a sigh of relief knowing that I now have an exterior person that I can go talk to who's only perception of me will be what I confide in him. This sounds like I would refrain from revealing my past or upsetting factors of my life, but; to the contrary if our first meeting was any indication of how I will handle my therapy. I had several moments that I painfully cried through tonight. I have every intention on confiding everything to him. My pandora box is going to get opened by me. I sought out counseling because I want to get better. I want to talk about what bothers me and no longer hold secrets or pent up feelings.
And I'm taking a step forward to recover from my past mistakes. I'm no longer a child and have got myself to depend on to help myself out of the state I'm in now.
All of this sounds emotional, and it is.
So if I really have started developing a readership amongst you, I hope you are ready for a wild and often bumpy ride when reading my blog. It's gonna be no-holds barred and full on- just the way my life has been and just how I want it to be.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your final destination. As you are well aware, my baggage may have shifted upon takeoff...
Otherwise, welcome back Koelen.
