Today I am fortunate enough that I have to work all day instead of spending my day outside in the beautiful Southern California sun. I don't mind too much- I need money for my upcoming trip to Europe next week.
I am hoping I get out in enough time to attend my friend Abid's birthday. He turned 32 yesterday and, like any event in my friends' lives, his birthday has made me reflect on my life and what I'm doing with it. After watching BRIDEGROOM I really want to start living a happier life.
I am noticing my therapy helping in that aspect. Helping me work through my problems and the issues that bother me. One issue I struggle with is men. I always seem to be the Robyn of the group-
"I'm right over here...why can't you see me? Oh oh oh..."
I met a guy over Halloween weekend who seemed into me. We were flirting and chatting it up. I asked him if he wanted my number. We put each other's numbers in our respective phones and begin flirty text. My ass/pocket even accidentally facetime called him the night I met him. Texting lead to sexting and we were just going back and forth for almost a week. Then he went to Mexico for a week and now he won't talk to me.
I tried to play Kool Koelen and assertively say "We should go hiking. When are you free?" And now nothing. In my head, I over analyze everything. I'm thinking a million thoughts about why he is now giving me radio silence. I think:
I'm not cute enough. I'm not hot enough. Buff enough. Masculine Enough. Too Short. Too fat.
TOO FUCKING HARD ON MYSELF
In reality, this guy probably either met someone else of has issues of his own preventing him from texting me back. Or maybe he just isn't enough of a man to have the courtesy to let me off easy. Maybe he is really going through some hard times. (Which i doubt considering he text me that he is having a great week)
All I know is the day he left for Mexico I basically text him "bon Voyage" and heard nothing back from him until I messaged him days after he was back from Puerto Vallarta. After that, his responses were meager at best.
I'm realizing that the old saying is true: you cannot look for love. It needs to find you.
Well, I'm done with looking for love. But I'm also open to the possibility of meeting someone to love and share my heart with.
At this point in my life, as a 31 and a half year old, that is what I want. To meet someone to stand still with for a while.
