Greetings from Milano, Italia. I've just woken up for the day excited to see the city.
However, my father emailed me today some completely unsettling news: my step grandfather, the patriarch of our family and my last remaining grandparent, has dementia and is slipping fast. He will have to be placed in a nursing home soon as my step grandmother can no longer care for him. He isn't reading anymore. He doesn't play games any more. He even needs help doing ordinary things like getting dressed.
This saddens the hell out of me. This was the man who taught me to swim in our pool in my childhood home. This is the man who so often stood by me when no other man in my life would. This is the man who, despite it all, said he was always proud of me and always loved me.
I never finished college and this is something that none of my family is proud of me for. I became an event planner 7 years ago and have been completely successful at living a full life and the life I choose to live. My lifestyle decisions have always been under scrutiny by my father and other family members because of me not completing my higher education.
As a result of me being gay and other things about my life that were perceived as "less than ideal", I became severely estranged from my family during the early part of this decade. I wasn't strong enough to stand up to my family and say: "This is the life I want! This is the life I chose, goddamnit!"
But I remember coming back home to Missouri one year- say maybe 2009?- after having lived in Australia, lived in Paris and London, and feeling like I had just gotten my feet settled into the event production world.
I ended up getting into a huge fight with my father at Christmas that year that led to the two of us not speaking for nearly 2 years. I felt so isolated, afraid, and unable to escape a family who didn't respect me, my decisions, or the path I chose in life. I had never felt more like a black sheep in my life and all I wanted to do was book a ticket the fuck outta Missery as soon as I could.
But then something amazing happened: my grandfather (he may be a step- grandfather but he has been in the "grandpa" role all my life) came over to my aunt and uncle's house. He and I hadn't seen one another in many years. His eyes lightly filled with tears and he embraced me in one of the best hugs I've ever received.
He looked at me with excitement and longing like the two of us were long lost best friends who had a lifetime of catching up to do.
He wanted to know everything: who'd I met, where I'd been, the places I'd seen. He wanted to hear it all.
And as I told him of my experiences, he just sat there listening, eyes widening at the juiciest bits, SMILING. He was so happy for me. He was so PROUD of me. And he told me so.
"That's great mister! I'm so proud of you for all you've done in your life."
***
When I originally moved to LA, I wanted to be a movie star and screenwriter. I was moving to LA to make a name for myself. I never lost that longing of wanting to be something greater than myself, but I soon realized those things were not what was that important to me anymore. School became mundane and unimportant to me. So I never finished. I never became a movie star. I never became famous.
But I am doing what I want to do at this moment in my life. I've written a book and have become a bonified writer. I travel the world and make my own adventures.
Because I realize that life is so fucking short. Losing my grandparents and a slew of other people in my life as an adult has taught me the values of life and the idea became instilled in me that I must and will live every day like it is my last.
My grandfather understands this. He never went to college, and though he valued education, he never judged me for not completing university.
Probably because he saw in my eyes that Christmas in 2009 that I was LIVING. Not behind some office desk 9-5, but living a life that I chose. And he saw that I am happy living the life I want.
He saw that I didn't choose to take the road that everyone else took in life. Am I better than my parents and siblings? Absolutely not at all. My sister will always make more money than me and will probably never have to worry about job security. My brother's degree guarantees him job security as well.
I look at the decisions we all have made in life. I don't know that any of us are happier than the other. But I do know that my life will continue to be driven by a force of wanting to live life to the fullest.
My grandfather's life is one I choose to aspire to live like. He is in his late 80s and by most standards considered to be an old man, but he has lived such an extraordinary life surrounded by a family that loves him.
I'm at such a loss upon hearing that he is slipping away. All I can hope for is that he passes in peace and with dignity.
The lessons he taught me are lessons I will take to the grave. As a gay man who has always searched for a positive make role model in my life, I briefly forgot that I've had one all along.
He will always be a hero to me. I'm just blessed to have known him and shared in some of his life.
