Kontemplations of Koelen: The City that Never WEEPS

(when you leave.)

If I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere. It's up to you: New York, New York!

Truer words have never been said about the The Big Apple: it's up to you.

10 years ago, it was up to me. I was a fresh faced Angeleno with hopes of trading in my Cali card for one of more solid sophistication from the Empire State. I came to The City with wide eyes, hopes, dreams, and visions of grandeur in a city that I had fallen in love with during a high school trip in the 90s.

Sometimes, however, things do not always turn out the way you planned. My friend that I was to be staying with while I looked for apartments for my first two transition weeks in NYC randomly was struck down with chicken pox. He had never had the virus when he was a child and nearly died from it, so he was flown out to California for a month to fully recover. This left me without a place to stay when I arrived. His illness and flight from New York was sudden and unexpected. It meant I was homeless and had to figure out some place cheap to sleep at night since I had planned on staying with my friend for free as he had offered.

When reflecting back on the nearly full year that I lived in Manhattan, I have a hard time remembering happy moments. My therapist said the best statement that I have ever heard about New York: that one had to be a warrior to live here. It's so true. There are a lot of downsides to such a great city. Times Square. Overpopulation. Trash everywhere and piled high in bags on the sidewalk. Smells: strange, funky, nasty, dirty smells. Buildings that make you really feel like an ant. People that make you feel small. No stars. No sky. Apartments that give you claustrophobia. Terrible weather. Worse jobs. Being poor. Wanting more.

I experienced all these and more living in New York. I had poor living situations, bad roommates, and bad ex boyfriends. My jobs had me working all the time yet unable to afford to do anything. There really is no other place on the world that can make you feel as poverty stricken than NYC.

I did not have a positive life living in New York. It was a very easy city to feel completely alone in, despite being surrounded by millions of people. I remember looking longingly out my bedroom window sometimes. I could see the building across the way and would often see an Indian woman staring out longingly back. Seeing her made me feel so lonely and empty inside, despite the fact that she was only a building away. I love making new friends and meeting new people, but I hardly made any real friends when I was there.

It'd been 10 years since I stepped foot in NYC but I couldn't wait to return to the city I called home for nearly a year. Sure New York chewed me up, spat me out, and sent me merrily on my way to Sydney, but I'll never forget certain aspects of living in the biggest city in America. Nor the lessons that NYC taught me.

I will forever want to live in a city where cars are not a necessity. I still want to go out at midnight and return at 4 in the morning after dancing. I always crave new gatherings, new people, and new experiences. And I'm a hellova lot tougher. Because I got out of New York when I needed to instead of letting all the negativity suck me in or before I was completely changed.

Returning to New York two weekends ago was very therapeutic for me. Just like it's former inhabitant, New York has also changed a lot. Some things for the better, and other things for the worse. But it's still The City. The energy is still there. The people--tho moved around quite a lot--are still there, and the fight and the drive to be something bigger than oneself is still there and so ripe, you can pick it out of the air. The fact that I got to experience New York this trip with my mom and friends was just icing on the cake.