Gays, Trains, and Automobiles

Gays, Trains, and Automobiles

Last night, I couldn't find my ring. This isn't just any ring: this was the ring my mother bought me as a souvenir in Delphi, Greece. My mother and I traveled there on our first trip together in 2010 and after visiting the "center of the ancient  world" and getting our fortunes from the invisible Oracle, my mother bought me a ring to commemorate our experience and remember probably the best day on our trip.

The ring itself is significant: it depicts Athena, goddess of so much more than just her perceived stamp of being a deity of war. Athena was also the goddess of knowledge, a minor goddess of love, music, and one of the most beautiful goddesses to have ever lived. 

This ring represented several things to me: our trip, new experiences, my bond between my mother and I. I literally wear this ring almost everyday, so when I again couldn't find it today, I began to panic.

I literally tore the room I was staying in apart 839428496715 times. I took an extra hour and a half trying to find it, but couldn't.

On my way out the door to the airport I asked my host to send it to me if he found it, to which he agreed. But I was leaving Milano sans ring and with a heavy heart.

I knew I was late and scampered across the streets of Milan as quick as my hobbit legs could get me there. I first had to take the metro yellow line to Duomo, Milan's famous cathedral. 

Next I had to transfer to the red metro line. This involved me lugging my 60 lbs worth of luggage up to street level from the underground. Once I reached the Cadorna station, I then had to take the express train to Milano Malpenza airport.

THEN, I realized the train let out at terminal 1 and I needed terminal 2. I raced out of the terminal like I was in Home Alone 5. I saw a woman who looked as frantic as I, asked her if she wanted to share a cab, and we did. She was a lovely French woman living in Milan. 

At this point, my plane had already closed boarding and I only had 15 minutes before my flight. Upon hearing this, the French woman told me not to pay her for the taxi but to jump out of the cab as quick as we got there, haul ass to the ticket counter, and pray that I made my flight. I tried to give her money but she insisted. At least the can driver drove like a bat out of hell.

I ran as fast as I could. The entire trip there I knew my time was dwindling and I kept "secret"-ing that the flight would be delayed and that I would still make it.

I did not.

The boarding was closed and the plane was supposedly taxi-ing away when I got to the counter. I was told to go to another ticket counter where I would possibly be able to book a flight on a different airline. Apparently an airline strike had suspended any further flights on EasyJet for the night and up until the weekend. Not cute.

The guy behind the ticket counter informed me that the ticket on AirItalia would cost me €245. Or he suggested I check out the internet kiosk to check to see if there were any high speed trains going from Milano to Rome tonight.

Of course I paid to use the internet only to realize that I was unable to purchase same day tickets for the high speed train. No bene.

So here I sit, back on the express train BACK to Milan. At this point I have two options: I can either get to Centralle Station and buy a train ticket there or potentially wait until a 7 am flight tomorrow morning, pay €95 euro in transfer ticket fees, and take my chances that that EasyJet flight won't be cancelled due to the strike.

I choose option A. I'm wishing/hoping/praying on a star that there will still be tickets available tonight to get me to Rome that won't cost more than €95. Otherwise I'll be potentially staying with my hosts again tomorrow morning.

I just put my head against the seat and wanted to cry but I was too angry at myself. Had I not recklessly misplaced my ring then even more recklessly missed my flight, I would almost be in Rome by now...

Just now I reached into the side pocket of my backpack to grab my water bottle for a drink. Upon putting it back into the pocket, I looked down and guess what I saw?

There, clear as day in the pocket on the outside of my backpack that does close and is really more like a cup holder, was my bloody Athena ring!!!!

I just burst into tears. So little sleep, so many trains, so much stress, and then finally the relief of finding my ring was too much for me to handle.

I wonder why I even worried so much about a possession in the first place. 

At least for now, there's a glimmer of hope for me. Ticket or no ticket, I'm so grateful to have found my ring.

Hopefully I'll be able to get to Rome tonight, too!

My grandfather is dying

Greetings from Milano, Italia. I've just woken up for the day excited to see the city.

However, my father emailed me today some completely unsettling news: my step grandfather, the patriarch of our family and my last remaining grandparent, has dementia and is slipping fast. He will have to be placed in a nursing home soon as my step grandmother can no longer care for him. He isn't reading anymore. He doesn't play games any more. He even needs help doing ordinary things like getting dressed.

This saddens the hell out of me. This was the man who taught me to swim in our pool in my childhood home. This is the man who so often stood  by me when no other man in my life would. This is the man who, despite it all, said he was always proud of me and always loved me.

I never finished college and this is something that none of my family is proud of me for. I became an event planner 7 years ago and have been completely successful at living a full life and the life I choose to live. My lifestyle decisions have always been under scrutiny by my father and other family members because of me not completing my higher education.

As a result of me being gay and other things about my life that were perceived as "less than ideal", I became severely estranged from my family during the early part of this decade. I wasn't strong enough to stand up to my family and say: "This is the life I want! This is the life I chose, goddamnit!"

But I remember coming back home to Missouri one year- say maybe 2009?- after having lived in Australia, lived in Paris and London, and feeling like I had just gotten my feet settled into the event production world. 

I ended up getting into a huge fight with my father at Christmas that year that led to the two of us not speaking for nearly 2 years. I felt so isolated, afraid, and unable to escape a family who didn't respect me, my decisions, or the path I chose in life. I had never felt more like a black sheep in my life and all I wanted to do was book a ticket the fuck outta Missery as soon as I could.

But then something amazing happened: my grandfather (he may be a step- grandfather but he has been in the "grandpa" role all my life) came over to my aunt and uncle's house. He and I hadn't seen one another in many years. His eyes lightly filled with tears and he embraced me in one of the best hugs I've ever received.

He looked at me with excitement and longing like the two of us were long lost best friends who had a lifetime of catching up to do.

He wanted to know everything: who'd I met, where I'd been, the places I'd seen. He wanted to hear it all. 

And as I told him of my experiences, he just sat there listening, eyes widening at the juiciest bits, SMILING. He was so happy for me. He was so PROUD of me. And he told me so. 

"That's great mister! I'm so proud of you for all you've done in your life."

***

When I originally moved to LA, I wanted to be a movie star and screenwriter. I was moving to LA to make a name for myself. I never lost that longing of wanting to be something greater than myself, but I soon realized those things were not what was that important to me anymore. School became mundane and unimportant to me. So I never finished. I never became a movie star. I never became famous.

But I am doing what I want to do at this moment in my life. I've written a book and have become a bonified writer. I travel the world and make my own adventures. 

Because I realize that life is so fucking short. Losing my grandparents and a slew of other people in my life as an adult has taught me the values of life and the idea became instilled in me that I must and will live every day like it is my last.

My grandfather understands this. He never went to college, and though he valued education, he never judged me for not completing university. 

Probably because he saw in my eyes that Christmas in 2009 that I was LIVING. Not behind some office desk 9-5, but living a life that I chose. And he saw that I am happy living the life I want.

He saw that I didn't choose to take the road that everyone else took in life. Am I better than my parents and siblings? Absolutely not at all. My sister will always make more money than me and will probably never have to worry about job security. My brother's degree guarantees him job security as well.

I look at the decisions we all have made in life. I don't know that any of us are happier than the other. But I do know that my life will continue to be driven by a force of wanting to live life to the fullest.

My grandfather's life is one I choose to aspire to live like. He is in his late 80s and by most standards considered to be an old man, but he has lived such an extraordinary life surrounded by a family that loves him.

I'm at such a loss upon hearing that he is slipping away. All I can hope for is that he passes in peace  and with dignity. 

The lessons he taught me are lessons I will take to the grave. As a gay man who has always searched for a positive make role model in my life, I briefly forgot that I've had one all along. 

He will always be a hero to me. I'm just blessed to have known him and shared in some of his life.

Venice, Italy/ Therapy 6

 

What does one say about Venice? City of canals? Magic? Romance? A couple's love theme park? All of which perfectly describe this beautiful city.

I got so tired and lost today that I ended up coming back to my hotel and sleeping until 4 am. Not the best idea I've had, but sometimes you need to just sleep.

And here I lay in bed at 5 am in Italy trying to get back to bed. In therapy last week, one of the things my counselor said was you cannot always control what's going to happen in life and most certainly not the action of others.

Last week was the first time I had mentioned this blog to him and he seemed happy that I started it but also curious as to what I have written. I think I'm defiantly making "progress" with him and my therapy. I am the one who subjected myself to it because I want to heal my wounds and face demons I have stuffed into the back of my mind.

When I returned from Berlin in July, I fell into such a pit of depression that I'm only now digging myself out of. That's kind of what this trip has been about: facing my demons. 

I walked by the area in Barcelona where I was mugged 3 years ago. I wanted to make myself go to a place that so deeply ruined me at the time. 

And it was actually really beautiful because I'm in a new place. I feel like I faced a fear head on. Barcelona is in a new place. And life has gone on.

Italy has been an adventure already. Tomorrow I leave Venice and head to Milan for fashion, fags, and fabulousness in only the truest of Italian form. 

Maybe I'll get in a little retail therapy while I'm at it!

Strangers

Last night I met up with an Israeli here in Barcelona that I met on couchsurfing. He wanted to grab drinks so I suggested that we go to another guy I met on couchsurfing, a Spaniard's, house party.

When those two met, they initiated small talk and really only had being gay, couchsurfing, and knowing me for the 20 minutes that each had known me for in common. 

But when the Spaniard asked the Israeli where he worked, the two were startled and shocked to realize they work for the same Israeli company! The Israeli was already even set to go to the Spaniard's office on Monday for a work meeting!!!

Such a crazy small world! So in recap: these two had never met but were obviously meant to. How crazy small the world really must be to think of the odds that the house party I was bringing this Israeli to was being hosted by someone he would end up meeting 2 days later anyway?!

Love it. Reminds me of the fact that two of my high school class mates and I were all in Sydney all within 36 hours of one another! Considering that my high school graduated with 270 people in the middle of Missouri makes my head spin! 

From Russia with LUV.

 

 So my 22 hours in Moscow airport has almost come to an end. And I gotta tell you: I haven't been this excited to leave a country since George W Bush was first elected president...

   Moscow has been insane. It's the busiest airport in all of Europe, so the transit area literally never stops with the hustle and bustle.

  Not like it should be, but nothing here is in English. There are no ATMs here. So when my bank card didn't work at the capsule hotel, I tried to skype call my bank to no avail. I ended up sleeping on the ground all night with earplugs in my ears and the Russian equivelant of Siri making announcements every ten minutes LOUDLY over the intercom first in Russian, then in English. (Yes I know I shouldn't leave my children unattended, goddamnit!!! No, no one else packed my bags! Shit!!!)

  Through these announcements I've not only bore witness to Moscow's far reach around the world, but also how similar Ruskies are to us Yankees:

Observations of Russians:

    They all look like members of Michael Cera's family.

    It's the only European country that I've seen with the same size drinks like the big gulp as large as America's drinks.

    Their escalators are automatic- you walk up and they just start. Otherwise, they are just chillin and conserving energy. They also have vending machines with fresh fruit that mechanically squeeze fresh juice for you. Pretty sweet! Literally!

    They have no respect for lines- if you turn away for a second and the cashier said "next" then you just lost your place in line.

    They, like Americans, have no problem staring at you. So, yet again, I feel like a rockstar. I frequently walked around listening to "I'm gonna be a Supermodel" and Ke$ha songs to help give me some further pep in my gay strut.

    There's no vodka for sale anywhere but in the duty free area, where you have to buy it in liters. You can purchase airline sized bottles from duty free, but that's it. But the Russians have no problem drinking from said bottles in the open at 8 in the morning, though. Straight from the bottle...

    I read that bodily functions i.e. burping/ farting are considered very rude here. Yet none of them seem bothered by coughing and sneezing into the open air without even attempting to cover their mouths.

    Their government may be cracking down on gays but my grindr was clack-a-lacking with tons of chimes from Moscow-ian gays lookin to hook up with ol Special K here!

    And finally no wonder they all look so unhappy- the sun rises at noon and sets at 4 pm. Less than 4 hours of sun a day would do me in, too!!!

All in all my Ra-Ra-Rasputing in Russia's love machine of a capital city has been a wild adventure that I'm not likely to ever repeat again, but also not likely to forget. I do allow the Russians leeway because I would hate for anyone to compare Los Angeles or all Americans with how people act at Newark airport...

I think I've figured Russians out. On the outside, they are cold, wooden, round face, winter garbed, and fat like those Russian dolls that stack one inside the previous one: getting smaller and smaller as you open the next.

But once you crack open several of the layers of dolls and toss the halves aside, you are left with a single, little Russian figure: smiling back at you with hope and longing in its eyes.

Ah, Russia!

Dasvidanya, Moscow!!!

The Philippines and Veterans Day

Happy Veterans day to several of my friends and family members who have fought bravely over the years.

Every year at this time, it is always good to remember those who stood up for the democracy that holds all of our lives together. However this year, it is time to give BACK. Time to take the energy of thankfulness that so many people talk about on their facebooks and do something.



Last week, the Philippines were hit by the worst storm they have ever been hit by. Typhoon Haiyen literally destroyed good portions of the country and 10,000+ are feared dead. In an island nation of more than 1000 islands, apparently over 100 of those islands, like this one below, are currently gone forever. Wiped out by the typhoon.

As an angeleno, I have lots of Filipino brothers and sisters here living in Southern California. Maybe you didn't realize that Philippines were once a US territory and have been an ally of the US for over 100 years. I have further personal ties to this nation: My great grandfather was once the governor of the Philippines after WWII and this has become a favourite place for my brother to visit, partake in world frisbee tournaments, and scuba dive.

Either way, this country is devastated by this disaster and I'm asking if there is anything you can do to help. My friend is collecting anything you can possibly give, be it financially or tangible goods and will be sending aid back to his home town of Altavas in destroyed Aklan.

Here is his information:

Peej Celiz

reypjceliz@gmail.com

You can email him there for further instructions on how to help. Also www.redcross.org is taking donations at this time.

Please do what you can to help this beautiful island nation.

Legends of the Fall

I heart the fall. It's jacket season!

Life Can Change in a Blink of an Eye

When that Roberta Black chick wrote that song "Friday", I think she seriously missed the mark. The only reason why everyone likes the day Friday is because it is the last day of the work week before the weekend. "Week-end? What is a Week-end?" Even the Dowager Countess knows that Saturday is where it's at!

Today I am fortunate enough that I have to work all day instead of spending my day outside in the beautiful Southern California sun. I don't mind too much- I need money for my upcoming trip to Europe next week.

I am hoping I get out in enough time to attend my friend Abid's birthday. He turned 32 yesterday and, like any event in my friends' lives, his birthday has made me reflect on my life and what I'm doing with it. After watching BRIDEGROOM I really want to start living a happier life.

I am noticing my therapy helping in that aspect. Helping me work through my problems and the issues that bother me. One issue I struggle with is men. I always seem to be the Robyn of the group-

"I'm right over here...why can't you see me? Oh oh oh..."

I met a guy over Halloween weekend who seemed into me. We were flirting and chatting it up. I asked him if he wanted my number. We put each other's numbers in our respective phones and begin flirty text. My ass/pocket even accidentally facetime called him the night I met him. Texting lead to sexting and we were just going back and forth for almost a week. Then he went to Mexico for a week and now he won't talk to me.

I tried to play Kool Koelen and assertively say "We should go hiking. When are you free?" And now nothing. In my head, I over analyze everything. I'm thinking a million thoughts about why he is now giving me radio silence. I think:

I'm not cute enough. I'm not hot enough. Buff enough. Masculine Enough. Too Short. Too fat.

TOO FUCKING HARD ON MYSELF

In reality, this guy probably either met someone else of has issues of his own preventing him from texting me back. Or maybe he just isn't enough of a man to have the courtesy to let me off easy. Maybe he is really going through some hard times. (Which i doubt considering he text me that he is having a great week)

All I know is the day he left for Mexico I basically text him "bon Voyage" and heard nothing back from him until I messaged him days after he was back from Puerto Vallarta. After that, his responses were meager at best.

I'm realizing that the old saying is true: you cannot look for love. It needs to find you.

Well, I'm done with looking for love. But I'm also open to the possibility of meeting someone to love and share my heart with.


At this point in my life, as a 31 and a half year old, that is what I want. To meet someone to stand still with for a while.

BRIDEGROOM /Therapy 5

Today was my 5th day/week of counseling and I felt it was my best session yet. Maybe because I had just come from a gorgeous nap after a nice day of work. Maybe it was the new 1800 bedsheet set I got. Most likely, I'm still living off the high from Illinois legalizing marriage equality yesterday.

I talked a great deal about my advocacy and activism in therapy tonight. I can admit that I put my efforts into causes that most effect me in some way or another. With lgbt rights, I stand up for what I believe is right: no one should be treated differently because of who they are. I grew up in a hometown that wasn't very accepting of gay people. If my efforts in Illinois or New Jersey or Minnesota help out even one gay kid who feels like they are lesser than realize they are beautiful, then I feel I have succeeded.

My therapist (sounding so L.A. when I say that) said that that kind of fire and enthusiasm might be something I want to direct energy towards in a different way. I couldn't agree more. I've always had a fire in my belly that is most happy when lit and lighting up the town!

I came home tonight and watched Bridegroom. I found it to be very emotional, heartbreaking, and yet so very real. Their love story is timeless and their end tragic. I highly recommend seeing this film. I could see it taking the Oscar for best documentary. Not that The Academy knows what they are doing anymore; however, this film is truly moving and depicts exactly what love is: beautiful. Pain. Joy. Happiness. And worthy of celebrating.

Kick starter funded with mostly real footage of their beautiful relationship, this movie will haunt you for a while. Can't recommend it more. Maybe if more people saw Shane and Tom's story it would bring further light to the fact that gay/lbt people are just people too.

  Tom Bridegroom was born 6 days after me in 1982. His story is not one I'll ever forget.

RIP

(If you don't know their story, go to YouTube and search for  the video        "IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU")

#onepersonCANmakeadifference

We just won marriage equality in the state of Illinois!!!! #15th state in the Union to pass full marriage equality!

I worked tirelessly for the last 6 months doing everything I could to bring about the passage of this law. From 1700 miles away, I called every representative in Illinois' House. I tweeted everyone of them. Liked them on Facebook. Emailed them. Pleaded with them. Spoke with them directly. I called and called and called. I posted pictures and updates as much as I could. And we won. We just won equality with a 61-54 vote.

So today is a victory for not just me, but all of us. In 2013 it is hard to believe that a single person in America's voice still matters. That a single person can actually make a difference. Well, I worked my ass off and proved exactly that.

Congratulations Illinois and America. This country has now well surpassed more than 1/3 of its citizens living in states with Marriage Equality.

#Illinois #15

Call me, maybe?

Good evening Angelenos and world-

I hope this finds you well. It's fall here in North America, and in the City of Angels, that can only mean one thing: love is in the air. Though spring is typically the time of LOVE for most around the world, Los Angeles really has no spring. Palm trees don't die off during the winter and then return in beautiful shades in the spring. The re-birthing time of year for us Southern Californians is the fall. Therefore it's my theory that the one time of year Los Angelenos really seek out love is right before the holiday season.

You see, none of us are originally from Los Angeles, so the 'homesick ping' really hits us hard post Halloween. We seek out love and affection and some kind of solidarity with friends and loved ones because we feel a lack of family around us. Thanksgiving will soon be upon us, and those of us in LA that know what it's like to spend a holiday here alone know what true solitude really feels like. It's this time of year that I truly do wish I had a partner- if nothing else but to give gifts to and bitch about how overrated and annoying Christmas can be.

November is also the month that Los Angeles finally experiences a sense of a season change. Leaves are falling in Hancock Park and Bel Air. The cold wind at night seems to last longer than the 80 degrees during the day. I, for one, wish I was spending the nights at this time of year cuddling up with someone to keep warm in this bitterly freezing, 63 degree fahrenheit chill. Or maybe just a nice Santa Ana to warm everything up?

It's a cold night, LA. So if that special someone is out there, you know what to do.


Pick up the phone and

Nitemares and Dreamskapes

Hey people of the page-

Sorry I have been away, but with my absence can you only assume that I had an extraordinary Halloween weekend!

I woke up this morning after a very emotional night's sleep. I had several dreams in which my father and mother were abandoning me in my childhood. I would have rare moments of clarity and then my dreams would flash me forward into High School. Or even one of my trips to Costa Rica with my mom. Where ever and whenever I was, I couldn't help but feel this extreme sense of abandonment.

One concept from my dreams really stuck out to me: I've never had a man really want to be a role model for me. I've never had a male figure in my life that loved me so unconditionally that they only wanted the best for me. Kind of like a father who always stood by my side. A lot of guys have had that. And I never did. Not in this life or my dreams. Women have always filled that role, even though women could never completely relate to what I was going through.

These dreams and this self realization this morning reminded me of a passage out of my story "BOYS" from my upcoming book Dancing in My Underwear:

I never really had a male role model growing up that I loved, respected, and wanted to emulate in their mannerisms and the way they carried themselves as men. I've always loved men, and for as long as I can remember, I have always been attracted to men.

As far as learning how to act and become a man- I did what I had to do: I taught myself. I learned in middle school when people openly started harassing me about my homosexuality that I had to change: I had to assimilate in order to survive. I mimicked the boys in school and the actors in movies. I tried dating girls and tried wearing the cool clothes so that people would respect me and not call me the names that they were calling me behind my back and to my face. I ended up becoming very independent and very defiant. I went from being an overly confident kid to a depressed little boy who just wanted a male figure in my life to kick the shit outta anyone who said anything about me.

I go on in "BOYS" to begin to realize that my lack of a male role model/figure in my life has lead me to constantly seek out that type of person in the men I date. Always looking for someone who will dote on me like a father and love me like a father. The truth is, that isn't what I want at all. In reality I don't want a father figure, but a lover and partner, in a relationship. I would never want to date someone who acted like a father to me, either. I want both a partner and someone else who will be a role model. Someone I can look up to and respect. Someone that respects me back just as much.

Having a male in my life who acted like a role model but that didn't want to sleep with me would be great. But at this point in my life, as a 31 year old, I question who that could or would be. I've never had anyone like that in my life who was on Team Koelen since day one.

Other than myself. And I'm just grateful I'm along for the ride.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

To all my ghosts and ghouls: HAPPY HALLOWEEN from KOELEN LAND!!!

Be safe tonight, mein lieblings!!!

Until then, you are helping Macklemore aka Koelen

achieve 5000 hits on this blog by clicking!!! Thank you so much for the support!

Have a spooktacular Halloween everyone!

Therapy 4

Due to scheduling conflicts, my counselor and I had to cancel last week, so even though this is week 5, it is only sesh #4.

I'm slowly realizing through the course of the last few weeks of talking out my problems that I may not love myself as much as I thought. I am often letting people into my life who do not care about me or who do not respect me for the friend that I am to them. I have this pattern of having friends that end up abandoning me in the end.

My therapist asked me why I thought that I kept choosing the same friend types over and over again. I still don't know the answer to that one. Why do I keep letting people in who don't want to give me the time and effort I give them? Is it some type of self degrading thing I do to myself? Am I a gluten for punishment?

I was once told that every good story has a solid beginning, middle, and end. Well, this story doesn't have an end yet because I still haven't totally figured it out...

But what I will say is this: Find people in your life who value you for you. Learn to appreciate yourself and love yourself in the way I am re-learning to appreciate myself and love myself for who I AM, not somebody who someone out there wants me to be!

From Hawaii to Texas...can you hear wedding bells ringing?

"The marriage equality wave is washing onto shores on four continents and Oceania all around the world," said Levinson, who urged Hawaii to catch the wave.

Marriage Equality pushed forward in the Aloha State today as Senators of The Judicial and Labor Committee voted 5-2 to push Marriage Equality to a full Senate vote, where it is likely to pass. Passage of the Governor backed Senate Bill SB 1 is likely in the Senate but questionable in the house.

Meanwhile in Illinois an equality rally happened this past weekend to push legislators in a special veto session to pass Marriage Equality there. Passage in Illinois is still debatable.

Two Texas couples sued their state and questioned Texas' marriage equality ban on Monday, opening the doors to begin the process of getting full equality in the US' second most populated state.

Texas is far off, Illinois may happen by the end of the year, but it looks like our eyes turn to Hawai'i where the Senate could vote as early as Halloween. What a delicious present that would be, now wouldn't it?

RIP IKE

My mother just informed me that former US Congressman Ike Skelton of Missouri died today. Ike Skelton was a Democrat Representative from conservative central Missouri for 34 years and won 17 back to back elections.

He was finally unseated by a Republican tea party candidate in 2010.

I met him several times and he was very fond of my grandfather as they were 'round table' buddies: meaning the two of them and several of the other town patriarchs gathered together every morning for coffee, politics, and gossip, mostly.

I did have to reintroduce myself each time I met him as John Pelham's grandson. In 2010, I reached out to him and his congressional office during the fall of Don't Ask, Don't Tell for his vote and his office gave me a generic response back, even though I dropped my grandfather's name. As a result of his voting to keep DADT in place, he lost the lgbt vote in Missouri and ultimately the election in 2010 after winning every election in a row since the 1970s.

Whether or not the two are correlated is doubtful but he did lose to a strong tea party candidate that year. He originally, as a Democrat, did NOT vote for Obamacare in the House of Reps' final voting... Makes me wonder what inevitably cost him his seat in the house? An affiliation to the Democrats that the state was sick of? His voting NO for Obamacare in 2009 but then voting in 2010 NOT to repeal it?

Either way, I feel for his family. Whether or not I agreed with his social politics in the end, he was still a gentleman and seemed like he was passionate towards my home state of Missouri. And he was always dedicated throughout his entire career to one key issue: veteran's and armed serviceman rights and benefits.

RIP indeed.

Ciao! Mi chiamo Koelen!

Getting super excito for the fact that I will be venturing to ITALIA for my first time in 3 weeks!

Yup, 21 days from today I will land in Venice: land of canals and enchantment! I've been studying up on some terrible Italiano, so I will be ready and raring with the locals! Wish me luck!

Until then, grazie per la lettura!

2013's Halloween Costume is...

MACKLEMORE!!!

From zero to hero in 2.5

Poolside in October

Say what you want to about Lost Angeles, but we absolutely do have the most perfectest, bestest weather ever!

After working 8 events back to back over the last 6 days, I'm officIally taking today off of work! Yesterday was a crazy busy day that began at 8 a.m. and ended at 4 in the morning!

(What? I had to find out how season 1 of The Following ended. And let me tell you that I was so disappointed I doubt that I'll be keeping up with season 2.)

So today I'm catching up on my rays; laying here getting some vitamin D. It's 78 degrees today in the City of Angels (26 Celsius) and the sun is shining like a freshly f^%#ed whore at Christmas!

Poolside. In October. #therapy #thisisthelife

Hump Day Happy

So most of my friends know how much I loathe mornings. I was cut from the night cloth and it has always been a challenge to me to fully accept dealing with anything in le mañana.

Today, though, seems like it will shape up into a good day.

It's only 10:30 in the morning and I've already set up three meetings. I'm currently having maintenance in my flat installing two brand new windows that will be double-paned and sound proofed! I rescheduled my counseling appointment, and have a lovely event I'm working on tonight in Bel Air.

Seems pretty mundane to you guys, I'm sure. But right now, I'm feeling like a power player. It feels good to be a lil busy bee. Now if only there was better TV in the mornings: I might actually be encouraged to wake up early more!

And now a humpday hottie:

Carving a gay pumpkin

This is how I spent my last Friday night: Karving a punkin Koelen Style!

Halloween: Life's no fun without a good scare!

What does this blogger do on a typical October Friday night?

Watch my favourite Halloween/Christmas movie, The Nightmare Before Christmas!

THIS IS HALLOWEEN!!!


"Twas a long time ago
longer now than it seems...

In a place that, perhaps, you've seen in your dreams.
For the story that you are about to be told
Took place in the holiday worlds of old.

Now you probably wondered where holidays come from?
If you haven't, I'd say it's time you begun!"

Jersey just got EQUAL!!!

Good news coming outta Jersey that doesn't include the earth swallowing up the Jersey shore quicker than Snooki at a Krispy Kreme...

The Supreme Court of the state of New Jersey has said that marriage equality will begin in their state October 21 and the governor, Chris Christie will not challenge the ruling!

Jersey just became our 14th state to legalize marriage equality!!!

ThrowBACK Thursday

I typically hate those throwback Thursday posts, but thought this was a good one.

This is my mum and I in 2011 for her 60th cruise I took her on.

Next to it is a pic of my sis and I when I was a wee lil babe.

See? Aren't I just the cutest little Devil?!?

#throwbackthursday

I'm LIVE on 5 continents!

Thank you so much to everyone that takes time out of their day to read this crazy blog that is my contemplations and adventures in this life!

I really appreciate the support and am happy to announce that I just passed the 4,300 views mark! I'm loving the fact that I have had that many views only since I restarted my blog in June of this year. Sure, 300 of those are mine, but the other 4000 views/clicks in the last 3 months on my entries stand sentinel like Spartanic numbers radiating a glow of support for what I write on here and I absolutely love you for it, sweetie dahlings!!!

I even have a tracker map and I have an audience on 5 continents! I know my friend Irene is reading Down Undah, and even though the map didn't show it, I know she'd help me bring in the 6th! Thank you guys for supporting my blog and for making me feel special! I have an audience on every continent where there are people living? I'll take it! Cheers to you and god bless! All my luv!!!

A return to Barcelona

3 years ago today, I was mugged in Barcelona.

I quickly picked myself up and really made myself enjoy the rest of my time in Catalonia, but it certainly put a damper on the whole experience. When making plans this summer to return to Europe next month, I knew there was one place I needed to go to make amends, for Barcelona had taken me "into her arms and protected me like the lioness that she truly is..."

To celebrate the fact that I will make my first grand return to España one month from today, I wanted to include a sample out of my short story "barcelona" from my upcoming book: 16

"barcelona"

"...I immediately fell in love with the pace of the city as well. Barcelona has a heart beat and its pulse turned out to be everything I'd wanted it to be and more. Sure the city was beautiful but the people in the way they live was what really fascinated me about Barcelona. The pace and their concept of time was completely alluring to me, as I've always been a night owl since I was little boy.

Barcelonians, for the most part, wake between 10 in the morning to noon and begin breakfast anywhere from 11 in the morning until one in the afternoon.  Lunch was never served before 3 o'clock. In fact, anyone could find themselves eating lunch even as late as 6 pm. Therefore, an early dinner in Barcelona wouldn't even start until 9 pm and could possibly end at 2 in the morning.

Of course it wouldn't be Spain if there were no siestas taking place at any given time during the day. But it wouldn't be Barcelona if there also wasn't dancing all night. You can bet your ass, that's exactly what I did every night:  dance my ass off until the wee, wee hours of the morning and siesta-ed during the day...."

Therapy 3

Tonight was counseling sesh numero 3 and I feel like I'm really making progress to become a better me! I really advise anyone who is feeling low or depressed to seek out the help of a specialist. It is so nice to be able to talk with some one who is there to help you and give you a subjective opinion.

Tonight my therapist (god, now I sound so L.A.!) gave me such a great bit of wisdom. I told him he could "psycho-analyze this" however much he wanted, but I confided in him the fact that I haven't really dated anyone for longer than a month to a month and a half for a really long time. That my relationships over the last 5 years hadn't lasted much longer than 30-40 days. I told him I always find some issue with the guy: be it experience, hygiene, opinions, height, mannerisms, competitive nature, dick size, and or overall attraction; thus, leading me to break it off with the guy. I told him I just always find something that turns me off that makes me feel like I would be settling for that something that I don't like if I stayed with him. I'm ready to stand still with someone at this point in my life, I said.

He said he didn't think there was any need to "psycho-analyze me", that it sounded like to him that I know exactly what I want and I'm in a stage in my life where I'm not looking to waste time any more with guys whom I can't see having a future with. He said maybe a good idea would be for me to write down 5 deal breakers that I won't put up with as well as 5 attributes that I seek in a mate and doing so could potentially help me when I start dating again.

And you know what? I think he's exactly right. I think I had a breakthrough...

Tuesday Tenacity

Oh London, how I've missed thee...

I return to Europe in one month! Time to start packing!

Happy Tuesday, ya'll!

Keep Your Legs Closed and your enemies closer

Hello-

Just some friendly advice from your local gayborhood blogger:

Just because you wanna get fucked, doesn't mean you should.

sometimes you gotta keep it closed ladies!

Should I Get Married? Today, I mean?!

Can I just tell you how grateful I am to now live in a state that recognizes full marriage equality? I am so blessed that the Supreme Court killed Proposition 8 and now lgbt people are closer to having full legal rights as protected under the Constitution.

I worked a gay wedding today, and it was so beautiful and moving. They had their wedding in their home, with a small guest count of 60 people. Very elegant, yet simplistic. Seeing these two handsome blocks get hitched made me long for the day when I will finally get married.

I hadn't really ever thought about what I wanted to have my wedding look like or how I actually wanted it to take place until today. I want a very personal wedding in either my back yard or someone else's. I had always thought I would want a beach wedding, but I gotta say that I love the familiarity with having your reception at home.

Another thing I realized is I really want my mom to be there to give me away. Sounds gay and silly, but these two grooms had all their relatives in attendance, including both sets of grandparents. All of my grandparents are deceased, and my family is now quite small. Having my mom there would mean the world to me. I've only ever danced with my mom once, at my sister's wedding. I really want to do that again. I love my mom and I know that her health is deteriorating, so I -all of a sudden- am filled with a new sense of urgency to get married and settle down.

For the first time in my life, I'm feeling that internal clock ticking and asking when am I gonna get married?! Obviously I need a man first...

What I miss about living in the midwest?

October. and Colored leaves falling. Oh well. God bless those 315 days of L.A. sunshine!

COG

I'm super excito to see C.O.G. in theaters. It's the first adaptation of a David Sedaris work, and he is literally my literary hero!

What? Get it? It's a cog!!!! I had to!

Therapy 2

Had my second counseling appointment tonight. I feel it went very well. Every day is a new day and every day I feel like I'm getting better.

One day soon, I want to be back to 1000% Koelen.

In the meantime, I learned a valuable lesson tonight at counseling:

My secrets are for me to keep and or reveal when I want and to whomever I want. I used to think I had to come clean about everything and anything. In reality, it's my life and I can do whatever the fuck I want.