Yes, I do live in a city full of unreliable people and the terms flake and fake are not wasted on LA.
But I think it is beyond that. I'm beginning to think it is something about koelen that is making people treat me as if I'm someone that can be tossed aside or postponed on and inevitably cancelled on.
I'm really trying to embrace the whole acceptance of people thing but also the whole "you can't change people, you can only change yourself" concept I learned in therapy.
But then something like this happens:
My friend Mike from San Diego has visited LA probably 5 times in the last 6 months. Each time I get excited about reunion-ing with my friend. So I call or text or message. He seems excited to hang out, too. We make plans. And then he flakes. Not just "doesn't show up" flakiness. Oh no. He and I literally have made plans, I've walked the 1.4 miles into Stepford to see him, and when I get there? Nothing. He won't answer any text or any calls. This type of flaking, as I said above, has happened to me probably 5 times with him. Maybe more.
My therapist said I can either change my actions or accept the actions of others. But if I change my actions, I also need to be prepared for the fact that he won't react the way I want him to. Or react at all.
So I changed the way I have handled the situation and gave him the benefit of the doubt because I hadn't communicated my feelings of worthlessness due to being flaked on.
Instead of bottling up my feelings inside my head and internalizing the hurt that I felt by him thinking he could just toss me aside, I decided to call him out on it.
I sent him this text:
I feel like every time you have come to la we have made plans to meet up and then I never hear a thing back from you: I just get stood up. I like you as a friend, but it has really really hurt my feelings the last few months that I've tried to connect with you and you've dropped the ball and then said nothing about it. I thought we were friends. Maybe all of this is in my head but it has made me feel like worthless and like shit like I'm not good enough to hang with you or something.
So get this- he immediately calls me twice and texts me: "I'm so sorry." "I come up here so suddenly, I don't want to be a burden." "I love our friendship." Etc.
He asked if I wanted to grab dinner, but I had already eaten. Tonight is a fun club night- I said- would you want to come?- I asked.
He said to call him after I was done with my errands. That he might go dancing but after dinner he may be too tired. Dinner tomorrow night at 8- he said. "Call me later"- he said. ( I should have realized then that he was putting the responsibility of contact back on me.)
So I call him to go dancing and he doesn't answer. I leave him an optimistic sounding message, despite my heart strings telling me that he was doing it to me yet again and that I was letting him.
Of course I never heard from him. I saw the he and our mutual friend grabbed dinner together the next day at 7pm and not 8 like Mike had previously planned with me. I only even noticed they were at dinner because our friend posted it on Facebook.
I got a really sick feeling in my stomauch. Mike had flaked on me again, twice, even after I mentioned how much it hurt me.
I have yet to hear back from Mike. At all.
It's like he didn't even care that I reached out, told him that it upset me, and then knowingly made empty plans with me without ever any intention of ever keeping them.
When I told my best friend Janet this story last night, her first response, in a game show host voice was:
"NEXT. Thanks for playing."
While her response did make me laugh, it also rang true to me. I don't want someone in my life who thinks I'm disposable. Someone who thinks I am just garbage he can just toss aside like a crumpled dry cleaning receipt. I realized that I've been the only one reaching out to Mike, so it is partially my fault for not reading the signs and realizing that he is an asshole.
The fact is, I'm very vulnerable these days. I'm seeing a counselor for my self esteem issues among other things. Why do I let people like Mike in my life in the first place? I've always known he is flighty, and his behavior as of late only illustrates his apparent and total lack of concern for myself or our friendship.
I guess I'm terribly lonely. My mom said I have run off a lot of people in my life because of who I am and my mouth. Maybe that is true.
But why, oh why do I keep letting the same kinds of people in my life?
It isn't just Mike. I feel that a lot of the people I call friends- not all, but a lot- treat me like I'm a plan b. Like it is ok to flake on me or it's ok to dip into my life when and how they want. I feel they think it is ok to make plans with me without any real sense of loyalty or follow through.
I guess I just have to ask this:
What is so fucking wrong or inadequate about me that people feel they can treat me this way?
Am I not good enough? Not Hot enough? Not Attractive enough? Not buff enough? Not Smart enough? Funny enough?
It hurts me so much. I've cried over friends too much too frequently lately. They make me feel like I'm some child always wanting something I'm not ever meant to have.
Should I pack up my stuff and just move to Germany where I can just start over?
These days I feel like Kylie Minogue, Cut Copy, and Gaga are my best friends because they are the one's who are consistently in my life. I do have my two best girls, but they are thousands of miles away with families and bigger concerns in life than my depression.
Why am I able to feel like I'm getting so close to friends, but then have friends like my friend Brandon or Mike just completely flake on me and then not even care?
I've had so many people walk out of my life in 2013 that is heart breaking. Be it my best friend in Seattle, guys I've dated, or friends that no longer bother to contact me or keep me in their lives.
And I just don't get it. I know I have abandonment issues from having a vacant father growing up, but that doesn't explain why these people seem so apparently into our friendship then all of a sudden dip out forever.
I think the answer is simple: I am obviously choosing the wrong people to be friends with out here.
It's just really hard to tell who is right and who is wrong for me as friends when my friendships always start out so strong.
I'm sure if you asked Mike or Brandon today how they feel about me they would say "Koelen? I love Koelen! He's so great."
But they'd still flake out on me.
