Hey people of the page-
Sorry I have been away, but with my absence can you only assume that I had an extraordinary Halloween weekend!
I woke up this morning after a very emotional night's sleep. I had several dreams in which my father and mother were abandoning me in my childhood. I would have rare moments of clarity and then my dreams would flash me forward into High School. Or even one of my trips to Costa Rica with my mom. Where ever and whenever I was, I couldn't help but feel this extreme sense of abandonment.
One concept from my dreams really stuck out to me: I've never had a man really want to be a role model for me. I've never had a male figure in my life that loved me so unconditionally that they only wanted the best for me. Kind of like a father who always stood by my side. A lot of guys have had that. And I never did. Not in this life or my dreams. Women have always filled that role, even though women could never completely relate to what I was going through.
These dreams and this self realization this morning reminded me of a passage out of my story "BOYS" from my upcoming book Dancing in My Underwear:
I go on in "BOYS" to begin to realize that my lack of a male role model/figure in my life has lead me to constantly seek out that type of person in the men I date. Always looking for someone who will dote on me like a father and love me like a father. The truth is, that isn't what I want at all. In reality I don't want a father figure, but a lover and partner, in a relationship. I would never want to date someone who acted like a father to me, either. I want both a partner and someone else who will be a role model. Someone I can look up to and respect. Someone that respects me back just as much.
Having a male in my life who acted like a role model but that didn't want to sleep with me would be great. But at this point in my life, as a 31 year old, I question who that could or would be. I've never had anyone like that in my life who was on Team Koelen since day one.
Other than myself. And I'm just grateful I'm along for the ride.
Sorry I have been away, but with my absence can you only assume that I had an extraordinary Halloween weekend!
I woke up this morning after a very emotional night's sleep. I had several dreams in which my father and mother were abandoning me in my childhood. I would have rare moments of clarity and then my dreams would flash me forward into High School. Or even one of my trips to Costa Rica with my mom. Where ever and whenever I was, I couldn't help but feel this extreme sense of abandonment.
One concept from my dreams really stuck out to me: I've never had a man really want to be a role model for me. I've never had a male figure in my life that loved me so unconditionally that they only wanted the best for me. Kind of like a father who always stood by my side. A lot of guys have had that. And I never did. Not in this life or my dreams. Women have always filled that role, even though women could never completely relate to what I was going through.
These dreams and this self realization this morning reminded me of a passage out of my story "BOYS" from my upcoming book Dancing in My Underwear:
I never really had a male role model growing up that I loved, respected, and wanted to emulate in their mannerisms and the way they carried themselves as men. I've always loved men, and for as long as I can remember, I have always been attracted to men.
As far as learning how to act and become a man- I did what I had to do: I taught myself. I learned in middle school when people openly started harassing me about my homosexuality that I had to change: I had to assimilate in order to survive. I mimicked the boys in school and the actors in movies. I tried dating girls and tried wearing the cool clothes so that people would respect me and not call me the names that they were calling me behind my back and to my face. I ended up becoming very independent and very defiant. I went from being an overly confident kid to a depressed little boy who just wanted a male figure in my life to kick the shit outta anyone who said anything about me.
I go on in "BOYS" to begin to realize that my lack of a male role model/figure in my life has lead me to constantly seek out that type of person in the men I date. Always looking for someone who will dote on me like a father and love me like a father. The truth is, that isn't what I want at all. In reality I don't want a father figure, but a lover and partner, in a relationship. I would never want to date someone who acted like a father to me, either. I want both a partner and someone else who will be a role model. Someone I can look up to and respect. Someone that respects me back just as much.
Having a male in my life who acted like a role model but that didn't want to sleep with me would be great. But at this point in my life, as a 31 year old, I question who that could or would be. I've never had anyone like that in my life who was on Team Koelen since day one.
Other than myself. And I'm just grateful I'm along for the ride.
